Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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