I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
