I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
