Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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