Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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