If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Randomize
