just come out here and I will go home with you...
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
