I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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