Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
