I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
