I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
