Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Everything about him screamed your future.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
