I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
