if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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