Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
