I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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