Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
