So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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