I'm going to rape someone's good day.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
