forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
