New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
