And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
