saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
