if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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