did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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