Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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