Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
