How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
