Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
