I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
