I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
