Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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