i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
