just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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