My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
