didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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