I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
