The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
