a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
