Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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