I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
