guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
