FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
