if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
