We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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