so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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