im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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