mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
