At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
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