I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
