One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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